More than Two
I remember clearly the night my son was born. Soon as he exited the birthing area I walked over to the weighing station where the nurse was doing her checks. My first thought was ‘holy crap he’s big.’ At ten pounds eight it proved an astute remark.
Thus began parenthood for me. There’s not really anything that can prepare you for the first few months. People who have kids can try and explain it, but if you’re childless you can’t really comprehend as it’s just so different from being childless in so many ways.
The comment many soon to be parents hear from those who already have children is that parenthood will change your life. What a wonderfully understated offering. Personally I prefer this view from a friend of mine with three kids ‘being a parent is the very best thing ever, but it is also at the same time, the very worst.’
Adding to the substantial challenge of negotiating those critical first few years, and surviving those first few months, is what I call the ‘judge dread’ syndrome. Everybody has an opinion on how best to raise a child. In a world where that opinion can be spewed out online it is all too easy for new parents to read something online which espouses a view different to their own. All too often this view is delivered in a very judgemental light. It can sap the confidence of even the most reasonable, grounded and sensible person.
One of the things I noticed about parenting information presented online is that almost all of it was targeted towards mothers. There is very little out there for fathers. A quick look on mother’s forums about what fathers can do to support mothers was perhaps even more depressing for fathers. There is often an undercurrent of hostility towards fathers, and men in general, on many of these forums.
Why was there this hostility? Is that fair to fathers? Do we really not do enough? It’s these types of questions which led me to research the issue myself. I found some solid work conducted by the Melbourne Institute and some very detailed analysis conducted by the Australian Institute of Family Studies. The excerpt below is from a 2010 press release from the Australian Institute of Family Studies.
(1) ‘Children are spending considerably less time with their fathers than their mothers, according to research released today by the Australian Institute of Family Studies. Australian children spend relatively small amounts of time with their fathers, without their mothers also present, the research found. On weekdays children may spend as little as half an hour alone with their fathers. Even on weekends, children spend only a relatively small number of hours with their father when their mother isn’t there – varying from 0.8 hours a day for infants to 1.4 hours for two to three year olds and 1.5 hours for eight to nine year olds. “Children spent considerably more time with their mother than their father, in fact they spent relatively small amounts of time with their fathers without their mothers, whether that be during the week or on weekends,” said Institute Research Fellow Dr Jennifer Baxter.’
As a father, it’s hard not to be hurt when reading that excerpt for a whole range of reasons. There are aspects of it which make me very, very angry. There are also parts of it which I found particularly confronting and I was, quite frankly, embarrassed by my gender. I’ll discuss the embarrassing part first.
I’d challenge any father who thinks it’s appropriate to spend less than two hours of ‘alone time’ time with their child across the weekend. That person isn’t a parent, just a passenger. If you’re not prepared to spend a solid block of time where you are responsible for your child on a weekend I just don’t see how you can possibly expect to have any sort of meaningful relationship with them. If you’re not prepared to make that kind of commitment you should not have children.
It’s embarrassing that so many fathers are so neglectful, and that is the word I would use, neglectful of their children on the weekends. Surely a couple of hours, even if that is just to get your child up and to keep him occupied for an hour or two while your wife has a sleep in on a weekend, is reasonable. Furthermore it’s critical that mothers are given time so that they can unwind away from their child. It’s a husband’s responsibility ensure their wife can do this in my view.
I can completely understand how a father spending just an hour and a half over the entire weekend alone with their child would frustrate many mothers. I say that as a father who almost always devotes at least half a day on Sunday with my son so I can learn to parent and to give my wife a break. I’ve done that literally from the week he was born. I was not asked to do it, I chose to. I work full time and I do most of the household cooking.
Of course of that half day on Sunday I spend with my son perhaps two hours completely alone with him. I usually take him out to the park or a playground or out to do some additional shopping with him. For the rest of the morning my wife is in the house often but she knows that I’m responsible for him and can relax somewhat.
This is where the numbers presented by Dr Baxter are perhaps flawed. Is Dr Baxter suggesting that getting my child up in the morning, making him breakfast, changing him and playing with him is less valuable than ‘alone’ time with him simply because my wife is in the house? Surely not, yet that seems how it is presented.
During the weekend there are many other times where I play and engage with my son whether its during cooking dinner or if he’s simply in the same room as me and I’m alternating between playing with him doing some other household task. Does that not count simply because my wife is in the house? I’d challenge Dr Baxter to explain how the situation I just described is any different from a mother, alternating between playing with a child whilst juggling household tasks.
I found the comments Dr Baxter made about the time fathers spend with their kids during weekdays most confronting. Given that more fathers work full time than mothers, it takes a special kind of idiot to note that children spend more time alone with their fathers on weekdays, as if that is some sort of revelation.
The precise words chosen were ‘children spend as little as half an hour alone with their fathers on weekdays’. As little as half an hour. As little as. As little. That’s because most fathers spend eight fucking hours a day at work which in many circumstances allows the mother to stay at home and care for the child.
Can you imagine the outrage from women’s groups if a government body observed that women provide less income than their male partners on weekdays? That’s a comparison that’s just as unfair as comparing alone time spent with children during weekdays across genders. Can you imagine the response? The Daily Life website would - crash - from - overuse.
I’m a strong supporter of parental leave for fathers. Fathers should be able to support their wife and parent their child. Unfortunately it’s completely unreasonable to expect fathers to work and parent full time, just as it’s unreasonable to expect mothers to. For this reason I have an awesome respect for single parents. I don’t know how they cope. I truly don’t.
I’m glad I did this research and it has helped me to understand why women would be angry with men. On balance I don’t think most men do enough as fathers. If I was a stay at home father and the mother spent just an hour a day on weekends with my kids I’d be angry too. Of course if I was in that situation I’d return to work full time and ask my partner to care for the child half of the time.
If my partner still didn’t pull their weight then I’d seriously consider leaving them. Leaving would be incredibly hard and there are many disadvantages to single parenting as opposed to raising children with a partner. Ultimately though, I wouldn’t want my child to grow up in an environment where the overall workload was so obviously inequitable.
Children learn from observation. By staying in a situation where one parent obviously does more work than the other what child would I raise? I’d be helping to raise a child that would likely grow up thinking that it’s ok to let their partner do more work than them, or that it’s ok to let their partner slack off. When you consider how many couples do just that is it so surprising that so many fathers do so little? It’s probably what they have seen growing up themselves.
I think perhaps women don’t realise that leaving is a viable option. Perhaps they are so afraid of being judged unfairly by others. Whilst there will be those who judge the same is true of almost every parenting decision. If one parent provides no meaningful parenting, and you can provide an income, then what is the point in continuing the marriage?
On the fathers side I think there really is a crisis here. We are not as engaged with our kids as we should be. In the same way that some women perhaps do not understand that they can leave inequitable marriages, perhaps some men do not understand that providing an income is not all they are required to do when raising a child.